Thursday, June 19, 2025

Channelling Gibbs

 …and my great grandfather. My great grandfather came here from Germany when he was 3 years old. He became a cabinet maker, and built his family’s home here on Long Island in the 20’s, not terribly far from where I live.

He is listed, Otto C. Medeck, on my genealogy site as “cabinet maker”. I’ve no idea where he learned his craft, I do know I have several things he’s made- a bench, a small washstand, two step stools-one that folds into itself and looks like a regular stool. I will tackle stripping and refinishing that this summer maybe. Growing up I remember we had several small step stools in the house, the sort small children stand on when they can’t reach the sink to brush their teeth. My girls, I’m sure, know of what I speak. One may or may not have been used as a time out stool. His home, when the last of the family was gone, held the treasures of years gone by. His workshop was on the closed in front porch. There we found the hand drawn plans and measurements for those steps stools, the jars of screws and nails…and no power tools. 


My dad, too, was in construction for a time. He built the house I grew up in, along with many others in my home town. Our house had a lot of natural pine trim, and hand made paneling around the fireplace, and halfway up the kitchen walls, natural pine cabinets in the kitchen and varnished trim around every door and window.  As teens, we started painting our rooms as we wanted. I wanted to paint the trim. Daddy pitched a fit, saying you don’t paint over wood like that, you don’t  cover the grain. I was young and didn’t appreciate what he was saying. 

Fast forward to now, I have my own home, have had for years. I searched for a vintage hutch to take the place of my IKEA work/storage rack. My dream is a Hoosier cabinet but alas, the space I need it for is about ten inches too narrow. I settled for a mid-century shelf thing with one large drawer. 

This thing was stained a medium shade of non-descript brown. After 30-ish seconds of thought I knew I was going to strip the finish and re-do it. I started with Max Strip paint stripper. It worked  but it was messy. I did the base with it but when it came to the top, I just let loose with the sanders. and as the finish came off, the pristine white oak was revealed, I remembered my fathers words and wondered why in the blue hell would anyone hide this??




 And as I sanded by hand, touching up and smoothing down, I ran my hand over the wood and found that it was like satin (think of that scene where Gibbs is hand sanding  because no power tools in his basement, and he runs his hands down the wood…I get it, I totally get it.) The smell of sawdust in the air, that raw wood scent, the summer breeze coming in the barn door…the barn where, I’m told, small boats were once made and rolled on tracks down to the river . Unlike Gibbs, I do have two doors that a small craft would fit through.  I’m surprisingly comfortable in it.  There were a few stubborn corners and tight places but oh the satisfaction when you finally get it down to the original, the sense of achievement, “I did that”!

So, with the whole thing down to natural wood, the question arises: stain, wash, or…not. I’d thought about a sage-ish green wash, my kitchen being green and yellow, specifically pale green cabinets. All thoughts of that ended when I did one side with Tried & True Original Wood Finish. It’s a combination of linseed oil and beeswax, easy to wipe on, and brings the wood, with all that glorious grain, to a beautifully warm honey-golden sheen. The photos in no way do it justice, not even close. Note: my fathers coat of arms and the chalkboard from my great grandparents house are the perfect accents.


Are there some minor flaws? There are but not that you notice, and I’ve learned from them. I will know better next weekend when I start stripping the base of my new, old green enamel top table. Another dream of mine, like the Hoosier cabinet but this one doable. The base and legs on the table are painted…gray. Why??? It has a drawer, which I’ve stripped just to see what’s under the gray (and green, and yellow, and white). Lo and behold, it looks like white oak, to match the new old shelf. I now have a new home for all my tea and my baking sheets. It’s the little things that make me happy.


Saturday, April 5, 2025

Cottage Cheese…Who Knew!


First let me say, I think cottage cheese is an either you like it or you hate it thing. Like…liver. Or bluefish. I happen to love both. Anyone I know hates them. There is no in between. It’s either “more please” or “Ew hell no!” I have loved it as long as I can remember.

Second, I grudgingly admit, I am no longer able to blissfully eat half an Entenmann’s almond filled coffee cake without the scale mocking me. IMO, Entenmann’s ain’t what they used to be anyway. I make a better crumb cake, but that's for another day.

I have topped 120 twice in my life.  Both times produced beautiful, perfectly imperfect daughters.  That being said, what follows , if you didn’t know you were eating cottage cheese, you wouldn’t know you were eating cottage cheese.

I lean towards keto these days. Oh sure, sometimes I crave a Ghirardelli raspberry filled chocolate.  But mostly carbs and I have parted ways. 

Also, kudos to whoever discovered cottage is magic, not to mention so friggin' versatile!! I don’t know  what makes it work,  but it does, and really well! I made this today. There may or may not be some left for tomorrow. I’ll never tell.

 

Blueberry Cottage Cheese Breakfast Bake

 Ingredients

  • 1 cup cottage cheese
  • 1 cup rolled oats
  • 1 cup fresh blueberries
  • 2 large eggs
  • 1/4 cup honey or maple syrup
  • 1 teaspoon cinnamon
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1 teaspoon baking powder (optional)

Directions

 Preheat your oven to 350°F (175°C). Grease an 8×8-inch baking dish or individual ramekins.

For a smooth texture, blend the cottage cheese, oats, eggs, honey or maple syrup, vanilla extract, and cinnamon in a blender or food processor until creamy. For a chunkier texture, whisk all ingredients together in a bowl without blending.

Gently fold in the fresh blueberries.

Pour the mixture into the prepared baking dish.

 Bake for 25–30 minutes, or until the top is set and golden brown.


Let it cool for 5 minutes before serving. Enjoy warm, as-is, or topped with yogurt, nuts, or extra honey.  

 OK so I prefer to use a food processor, the batter comes out smooth. Alternate sweetener - Agave or Splenda will work also. 

 

The end result is a smooth cake-y, custard-y treat, with bursts of fresh blueberry. I did whipped cream on top with extra fresh blueberries.  Add a  bit of lemon and it will scream summer. Try raspberries or strawberries instead, all a matter of personal preference. I believe I have a new favorite. But then, I haven't tried the cottage cheese ice cream, or the chocolate mousse yet.


 

Wednesday, January 29, 2020

Disordered


It’s been a while. I fell away from blogging  for a minute. But I find that  I have something to say…
There is a whole universe of people dealing with silent but oh, so very loud diseases. Disorders. They look fine.  Sometimes, on their good days, they even sound fine.  But just because the battles, the screaming, the demons in their heads are invisible, doesn’t mean they’re not there. Oh, believe me, they are there, and they will fight to win every damn time.
From a personal view, I was aware of depression, anxiety, bi-polar or as it used to be known, manic-depressive disorder, OCD. I knew they existed.  Some of them even touched my life. OCD namely, arrived with a bang when I was going through divorce. Katie started washing her hands obsessively. Like, until they were raw.  Not much question that we had a problem. Therapy with Norman did wonders for that and her anxiety.  She’s ok now. Still has the occasional panic attack but knows I’m only a text away to talk her down.  I can deal with that.

Bi-polar, on the other hand, that snuck up on me.  I didn’t have a name for it at first. I didn’t know what was wrong with Stacie.  How many times I hear in my head, my mother saying, “What is WRONG with that girl?”  Bipolar disorder is described as “a mental health condition that causes extreme mood swings that include emotional highs (mania or hypomania) and lows (depression). When you become depressed, you may feel sad or hopeless and lose interest or pleasure in most activities. When your mood shifts to mania or hypomania (less extreme than mania), you may feel euphoric, full of energy or unusually irritable. These mood swings can affect sleep, energy, activity, judgment, behavior and the ability to think clearly. Episodes of mood swings may occur rarely or multiple times a year. While most people will experience some emotional symptoms between episodes, some may not experience any.  Common signs and symptoms of mania include:
Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)
Common symptoms of bipolar depression include:
Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty
Irritability
Inability to experience pleasure
Fatigue or loss of energy
Physical and mental sluggishness
Appetite or weight changes
Sleep problems
Concentration and memory problems
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
Thoughts of death or suicide
That being said, I often wonder how the hell I missed it for years. It hit full force when we lived in VA. She’d been in the Navy, in Iceland, In Cuba, in East Meadow, not right there where we knew what was going on.  In Norfolk, all hell broke loose. Like clockwork, every six months or so. We’d all be rolling along, living our lives, not hating each other. Then it would start. The paranoia, the stinging comments on social media, the jealousy.  In short, for no reason that we could see or understand, my daughter would go berserk and would aim it at us.  It hurt, I can’t even begin to describe the anguish of my firstborn attacking me when I’d never done any less than love her and accept her.  Every time, I thought, that’s it. I can’t do this again. I’m done. I’m over it. And every time she would get back on track, come back like nothing happened. What I did not know at the time was that as far as she knew, nothing HAD happened. I have since learned that she didn’t have full memory of things she’d said and done.  I do know that much to the chagrin of some, every time, I accepted her back into the fold, not because I understood what was going on, but because, as it turns out,  unconditional love is, indeed, a thing, and it is strong in me.
I won’t go into details about her “rock bottom”, or the phone message I received from out of state, after we’d moved back to NY that, when Katie heard it, she said, “If you don’t call her back right now and find out wtf is going on with her, I will.” I was in total denial about my own daughter being depressed and ready to end it. It’s easy when she’s miles away. She ended up back here, won’t go into those details either but that rock bottom seems to have woken her up.


Some background seems necessary here. Stacie was the first born. First born for me, first grandchild, first niece. As such she was, naturally, a bit spoiled. She never knew her father. I did and she’s better off.  Her first step father, the one she called “Daddy” because he was in every sense of the word, passed on way too soon. It was her first real loss at all of 9 tender years. I always did my best to encourage her, love her, let her know that she was loved, she was worth it. Still somehow her self esteem was always somewhere around basement level. Third time I got married was a mistake, giving me only her sister to make it worth it. Through all of this, throw in the loss of my dad who she was very close to, and my mom, they both had a heavy hand in raising her, and I can see her having some issues with life in general. But nothing like what we witnessed in VA. This was so much more than, I hate you, I hate the life you gave me, you’re scum. This ran so very much deeper.
Gradually my conscious self  became aware of bipolar disorder. I don't specifically remember her telling me she was bipolar.  I knew it was a thing,  just like ADD, OCD, Anxiety, Deperssion….it was just a much more involved thing.  Looking back, I see it clearly. At the time, I thought it was just how she was somehow.
There is a whole lot of baggage that comes with knowing that your child is bipolar. Or OCD or depressed or is afflicted with any emotional or chemical imbalance. Chief among the baggage is a suitcase full of guilt. Says the girl who doesn’t DO guilt. There were many times when I tried to figure out where I went wrong. God knows she didn’t have a fairy tale life. She knew loss far too young. Should I have done this or that differently, what if I’d….would she have….It took years for me to realize that the demons were her own, and that I was not responsible. That doesn’t make it any easier to watch my firstborn constantly fight the demons in her mind, the daily battle just to fight them back. To look at her would you know? No, I think not. That doesn’t make the affliction any less painful. Sometimes the scars you can’t see are worse. She has been, for over a year now, faithfully on meds, getting stronger and saner. I thank God for that, at the same time I’m praying that she stays on the right track. Every. Damn. Day. I know it’s a struggle for her, though she doesn’t say it. 
I cannot imagine the pure hell of living with the demons that she has. I cannot imagine a life where she has to take several different meds just to stay on an even keel,  and even then, they still rear their ugly heads.  I am so very grateful now, though, that for the past year or more she’s been on the right track, in therapy, because that has to, HAS to be part of her life.  We sat after Christmas here for hours, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had my baybeegirl back. I text her every morning, messages of love and encouragement and strength. She responds every morning. She thanks me. She THANKS me. So rare for this beautiful girl, to show genuine appreciation. It’s refreshing. It’s encouraging.  I know the demons are still there, but they are tamed, they are not screaming, ripping at her sanity, shredding her life. I know that some days her grip on stability is tenuous. I also know that when it is she will text me or call me and I will be there to talk her back from the edge. The difference is this time she listens, this time she trusts. Finally, she trusts.

Don’t, please don’t judge harshly if you see someone on the street, acting out, acting oddly, if someone you know, a family member, is acting off, acting “crazy”. You don’t know what demons they’re living with. You don’t know what inner battles they’re fighting. Be kind, be forgiving, be understanding. To be too harsh risks losing a loved one. I came close, I almost lost this girl. Had I lost her, because I was less understanding, I would never have forgiven myself. 



I wish I could tell you that I could make it better
It’s all a rainstorm that you have to weather
But this is your fight and it’s inside of you
But just know that I’m beside you fighting too
 





Sunday, July 1, 2018

#Resist

I never thought of myself as an activist. However everything in me, everything I am, was raised to be, everything in me that knows right from wrong, is compelled to resist what is happening to our country. I know our rights, I have a basic understanding of what rights and laws are afforded to us in The Constitution. I will never understand how an entire party can sit back and let one man
systematically destroy everything this country stands for.  I resist for me, for generations to come, our children and grandchildren. They deserve more than us just sitting back and letting it happen. They deserve more than to live out A Handmaid’s Tale. They deserve the freedoms that my father, my uncles, my fiancé fought for.
My daughter is my inspiration, my reason. Without realizing I did it, I must have raised her right. She is compassionate, loving, amazing. She will stand for those who have no voice. She will stand for the rights that her ancestors before her fought for. She will stand for the children, women’s rights, LGBTQ rights, Veterans rights. She will stand for what we all know is right, as we all should. I have stood with her and have felt  the passion for the cause swimming around her, from her, and I believe. I believe we can do this. I believe there are enough of us to make a difference. I have to believe we can make a difference. Who in their right mind can sit back, everytime something new surfaces, everytime another lie is spun out of control, and do nothing. I have lived through a bunch of presidents; I have never seen the office so disgraced, have never seen a more disrespected man take that office. Disrespect that’s well deserved. I am embarrassed for our country, for what we’ve
become. A president who condemns, alienates, and insults our longstanding allies, finds joy in ripping our hard won rights  away, cozies up to longstanding adversaries, spends more time tweeting and golfing on our dime than actually running the country. Who has bribed, coerced, and likely
blackmailed for what he wants, ignores what We The People want, who has kidnapped the minor children of refugees....we cannot stand down for this. Katie and I have had our bad times, however she is my best friend, Rory to my Lorelei. I cannot even come close to imagining her forcefully taken away from me. I cannot imagine the anguish of the families at the border. It’s unnatural. It’s wrong. This, all of this and more, is reason to stand up and make our voices heard. We are better than this mess that he’s made. This country and all she stands for are worth saving.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Let them go, let them soar...








There are many things I have learned as a mother: 
Guide your kids gently but let them find their own path.
Teach them compassion, but also teach them not to take crap from anyone. For any reason. 
Teach them to take care of themselves.
Let them know mistakes are allowed...provided they learn from them and don’t repeat them.
Let them know that they matter, that they have a voice.
Don’t force them to be what they’re not.
Choose your battles.
Accept them regardless of who they choose to be with.
Encourage them to do their best.
Know when to let go, know when to let them soar. 
And this is where we are, learning to let go.
In just a few too short weeks Katie and Josh will be moving. 6 hours away. 

My daughter has moved out twice. Both times within 20 minutes from home. I missed her being around every day but then...she was pretty much around every few days. Not so much when she’s 6 hours away. I’m not gonna lie, it’s  not gonna be easy. So here I am, torn between wanting to hold onto the little girl that she was and knowing that I have to let her go, to find her own way, to shine. And my heart is breaking just a little bit, from missing her already, and from knowing that she’s growing up, growing into her own life. 


And then my mind rolls back...let’s just say a few years...to the first time I left home (that time I tried to run away in two feet of snow when I was like 5 doesn’t count). Barely 19, hating my life, I moved three thousand miles away. I’m sure my mothers reaction (“Don’t think you’re moving back to THIS house”), I realize now, was borne of hurt. At 19, I didn’t much care, my reaction to her reaction was something along the lines of “why would I want to”.  Oh if only we knew then what was to come. Story for another day.  The point was, I will not be that person. As much as I will miss this kid (and Josh, I spose, too), I know that she feels trapped on this island, I know that the mountains have called to her. I too have heard that call. The time is not right yet for me. 
It is now for Katie, my baby, my heart, your time has come. The time for you to make your life in a place where you will be happy, where you can breathe and look out your windows and see that reminder that there is so much more out there, and be humbled but happy. I will miss so much of what makes us the incredible team that we are. The city weekends, the road trips, sharing the kitchen, you do dinner, I’ll do dessert, the Christmas trees, the damn lights, and shopping, the hugs, the wordless conversations, the kid that knows me better than I know myself. I will take comfort in knowing that this is right for you, and in knowing that I will always, always be with you in some way. I will be happy for the excitement of your first “real” home. I will count the days until our first visit and I will always be your Lorelei no matter the distance. And I will never, never tell you you can’t come home. 




So fly, my baby, my Rory, soar and live the best life you possibly can. My advice to you: 
Be happy
Make this new place your home
Never second guess if it feels right
No regrets
And know that all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. 


So soon your time will come. Let it out while you're still young. 
May all your dreams come true for someone like you. 
So soon your time will come. Let it out while you're still young. 
May all your dreams come true, so happy for you

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Someone To Count On




When someone says “I made the reservation for three because I know that either you and Mike or you and Katie would be there.”
When someone  quotes Rory Gilmore, “I don’t think she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her….”  “Mom, you’ve given me everything I need.”
And when still someone else says, “I know that I don’t want to live without you.” 


I realize that I’ve become that person to these people, that person I never had in my life until them.  I don’t know how this happens.  They say you either end up being just like your parents, or just the opposite.  I’m not quite sure where I fall in that range. I would like to say I have the best of both my parents but then…who knows (as the skeletons rattle behind the closet door). I likely have the worst of my mother, the stoic silence when I’m pissed, and the ability to hold a grudge forever if I choose to.  And then I go and do something nice, like, I don’t know, bail a kid out of jail or something and I realize that maybe I did get some of the good from her.  




I have become one of those people who feel good when she makes someone happy. How does that even happen?  I’ve no clue. I do know that I would do anything for them.  To be able to make sure Fay has everything she needs to move into adulthood, to hear her thank me for the thousandth time, to know that she appreciates what I do, to know that she’s safe and secure, to be able to be part of her moral and emotional support system, is everything to me.

Just to see Katie smile, is worth the world. Her smile lights my life. I do many things for this girl, just as a matter of it’s who I am. Just. To see. Her. Smile. To know she’s happy, knowing that she appreciates even the smallest things. Half the things I do for her, it’s so much a part of who I am, I don’t even think twice about it. Talking her down from the anxiety cliff, I don’t think, I just do it. Knowing when she’s about to panic and heading it off, yea, I just do it. Because I hate to see her stressed and unhappy. 

Ah, le fiancé, my better (sometimes) half. This weekend I understand suddenly how he feels when I go away for a girls weekend. I love my house, this home we’ve got here together. But my God it’s so quiet and empty without him here. Even La Luna is depressed. I understand now that I do not want my life without him in it. I understand that we were meant to be, and that I would be so much less without his constant support.  I would do anything for him, and I know that he would lay down his life for me without question.  It’s been a long road to get here, but maybe that time so long ago just wasn’t the right time for us. Now is.

I lately think of people who have come and gone in my life. Surely there’s a reason why some don’t stay, just as surely there’s a reason why some come back. Those who have not, for whatever reason, I realize that I wish them well, I wish them happiness, I hold no grudge (even though God knows I could if I wanted to, it’s in the genes).  I realize  that life is good , and that I am happy. At long last happy. It’s been a long time coming.

You better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down
It's my life
And it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Low carb, not cardboard

Low Carb is NOT synonymous with cardboard. It can actually be delicious. 

So I had three goals this weekend. The first of which was the apple crumb cake. Low carb style. For le fiancé. Since I had, you know, like 4,283 Vermont apples still waiting to be consumed. The other 3.717 Made the best ever applesauce, and an apple pie.  I have a basic crumb cake recipe, which I took and twisted and tweaked until it worked. I learned that from Katie. She can’t strictly follow a recipe to save her life. It’s a chef thing. We bakers have to be a bit more careful because chemistry.  Ironic, that, as I failed chemistry miserably in high school.  Now, forty-something years later, I  understand that one doesn’t mess with the baking powder measurements, and yeast has to have the right temp water to live. Because chemistry.  Anyway, 

The recipe:
Low Carb Apple Crumb Cake
1/2 cup butter, softened slightly
4 ounces cream cheese, softened
1 cup granular Splenda
1 teaspoon vanilla
5 eggs, room temperature
6 1/2 ounces almond flour ( 1 1/2 cups plus 2 tablespoons )
1 teaspoon baking powder
3-4 apples (Honey Crisp and/or Gala), peeled and chopped
Cream the butter, cream cheese, Splenda and extract. Add the eggs, one at a time. Mix the almond flour and baking powder. Add to the egg mixture gradually. Stir in about a cup and a half of Pour into a greased 8” square cake pan. Mix the topping ingredients until crumbly; sprinkle over the cake batter. Bake at 350º 45-50 minutes, or until the top is nicely browned and the cake is firm to the touch.
Crumb Topping:
1/2 cup almond flour
1/2 cup Splenda Brown Sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon
4 tablespoons butter, softened just until pliable
Makes 12 servings
Can be frozen
With granular Splenda:
Per Serving: 286 Calories; 26g Fat; 8g Protein; 7g Carbohydrate; 2g Dietary Fiber; 5g Net Carbs

I followed the recipe pretty much exactly, since, you know, I sort of adjusted it and made it my own.  This is le fiance’s second favorite, I think, after the Low Carb Chocolate Mousse (recipe here: Sinful Chocolate Mousse) It’s awesome as a breakfast cake, or as a dessert cake with whipped cream. The cake is moist (it’s the apples, I think, that help there. Almond flour tends to soak up a lot of moisture, they add a little extra).  It’s not overly sweet,  and the crumb topping is ALMOST as good as standard brown sugar topping.
And when le fiancé is happy, everyone is happy.