Someone To Count On

When someone says “I made the reservation for three because I know that either you and Mike or you and Katie would be there.”
When someone  quotes Rory Gilmore, “I don’t think she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her….”  “Mom, you’ve given me everything I need.”
And when still someone else says, “I know that I don’t want to live without you.” 

I realize that I’ve become that person to these people, that person I never had in my life until them.  I don’t know how this happens.  They say you either end up being just like your parents, or just the opposite.  I’m not quite sure where I fall in that range. I would like to say I have the best of both my parents but then…who knows (as the skeletons rattle behind the closet door). I likely have the worst of my mother, the stoic silence when I’m pissed, and the ability to hold a grudge forever if I choose to.  And then I go and do something nice, like, I don’t know, bail a kid out of jail or something and I realize that maybe I did get some of the good from her.  

I have become one of those people who feel good when she makes someone happy. How does that even happen?  I’ve no clue. I do know that I would do anything for them.  To be able to make sure Fay has everything she needs to move into adulthood, to hear her thank me for the thousandth time, to know that she appreciates what I do, to know that she’s safe and secure, to be able to be part of her moral and emotional support system, is everything to me.

Just to see Katie smile, is worth the world. Her smile lights my life. I do many things for this girl, just as a matter of it’s who I am. Just. To see. Her. Smile. To know she’s happy, knowing that she appreciates even the smallest things. Half the things I do for her, it’s so much a part of who I am, I don’t even think twice about it. Talking her down from the anxiety cliff, I don’t think, I just do it. Knowing when she’s about to panic and heading it off, yea, I just do it. Because I hate to see her stressed and unhappy. 

Ah, le fiancé, my better (sometimes) half. This weekend I understand suddenly how he feels when I go away for a girls weekend. I love my house, this home we’ve got here together. But my God it’s so quiet and empty without him here. Even La Luna is depressed. I understand now that I do not want my life without him in it. I understand that we were meant to be, and that I would be so much less without his constant support.  I would do anything for him, and I know that he would lay down his life for me without question.  It’s been a long road to get here, but maybe that time so long ago just wasn’t the right time for us. Now is.

I lately think of people who have come and gone in my life. Surely there’s a reason why some don’t stay, just as surely there’s a reason why some come back. Those who have not, for whatever reason, I realize that I wish them well, I wish them happiness, I hold no grudge (even though God knows I could if I wanted to, it’s in the genes).  I realize  that life is good , and that I am happy. At long last happy. It’s been a long time coming.

You better stand tall when they're calling you out

Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down

It's my life
And it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)

It's My Life~Bon Jovi

Low carb, not cardboard

Low Carb is NOT synonymous with cardboard. It can actually be delicious. 

So I had three goals this weekend. The first of which was the apple crumb cake. Low carb style. For le fiancé. Since I had, you know, like 4,283 Vermont apples still waiting to be consumed. The other 3.717 Made the best ever applesauce, and an apple pie.  I have a basic crumb cake recipe, which I took and twisted and tweaked until it worked. I learned that from Katie. She can’t strictly follow a recipe to save her life. It’s a chef thing. We bakers have to be a bit more careful because chemistry.  Ironic, that, as I failed chemistry miserably in high school.  Now, forty-something years later, I  understand that one doesn’t mess with the baking powder measurements, and yeast has to have the right temp water to live. Because chemistry.  Anyway, 

The recipe:

Low Carb Apple Crumb Cake
1/2 cup butter, softened slightly
4 ounces cream cheese, softened
1 cup granular Splenda
1 teaspoon vanilla
5 eggs, room temperature
6 1/2 ounces almond flour ( 1 1/2 cups plus 2 tablespoons )
1 teaspoon baking powder
3-4 apples (Honey Crisp and/or Gala), peeled and chopped

Cream the butter, cream cheese, Splenda and extract. Add the eggs, one at a time. Mix the almond flour and baking powder. Add to the egg mixture gradually. Stir in about a cup and a half of Pour into a greased 8” square cake pan. Mix the topping ingredients until crumbly; sprinkle over the cake batter. Bake at 350º 45-50 minutes, or until the top is nicely browned and the cake is firm to the touch.

Crumb Topping:
1/2 cup almond flour
1/2 cup Splenda Brown Sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon
4 tablespoons butter, softened just until pliable

Makes 12 servings
Can be frozen

With granular Splenda:
Per Serving: 286 Calories; 26g Fat; 8g Protein; 7g Carbohydrate; 2g Dietary Fiber; 5g Net Carbs

I followed the recipe pretty much exactly, since, you know, I sort of adjusted it and made it my own.  This is le fiance’s second favorite, I think, after the Low Carb Chocolate Mousse (recipe here: Sinful Chocolate Mousse) It’s awesome as a breakfast cake, or as a dessert cake with whipped cream. The cake is moist (it’s the apples, I think, that help there. Almond flour tends to soak up a lot of moisture, they add a little extra).  It’s not overly sweet,  and the crumb topping is ALMOST as good as standard brown sugar topping.
And when le fiancé is happy, everyone is happy.

October ~Dolores O'Riordan

WIth love, from Vermont

So the kids went to Vermont and brought back all the things.  Among which was about 80 pounds of apples. And when life (or the kids) gives you apples, make apple pie. It’s a no-brainer.  When the request includes “sugar free”, therein lies the challenge.  So, we go mostly sugar free.  It’s Nana’s crust. You just don’t mess with Nana’s recipes.  But it’s a minimal amount of sugar. Shhhh! No one will know.  I could have taken the easy way out and used frozen crust. However, knowing this crew, I would never have lived it down. Being a baker and all. Nana  AND my brother  would have come back to haunt me. That, I don’t need, thanks. Bad enough my mother’s words slip out of my mouth on occasion and my father whispers in my ear.

It’s a basic crust recipe. The secret is, the butter has to be cold, and it has to be ICE water.  And forget the pastry blender, the knives, just use your damn hands, it’s easier.  Once the crust is in the fridge chilling, get to paring and slicing apples. 8+ cups worth (+ because deep dish).  It takes a while, but hey, the deer will eat good tonight.
So, the recipe*
Sugar Free Apple Pie
1/3 cup thawed apple juice concentrate
Sugar substitute equivalent to 8 teaspoons sugar
2 teaspoons cornstarch
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
Pastry for double-crust pie (9 inches) 
8 cups thinly sliced peeled tart apples
1 tablespoon butter

Combine the first four ingredients. Line pie plate with bottom crust; add apples. Pour juice mixture over apples; dot with butter. Roll out remaining pastry to fit top of pie; cut slits or an apple shape in top. Place over filling; seal and flute edges. Bake at 375° for 35 minutes. Increase oven to 400°; bake 15-20 minutes or until apples are tender. Yield: 8 servings.
1 slice: 337 calories, 17g fat (0 saturated fat), 0 cholesterol, 233mg sodium, 45g carbohydrate (0 sugars, 0 fiber), 2g protein.  1 slice: 337 calories, 17g fat (0 saturated fat), 0 cholesterol, 233mg sodium, 45g carbohydrate (0 sugars, 0 fiber), 2g protein. Diabetic Exchanges: 3 fat, 2 fruit, 1 starch.

Have your bottom crust ready in the pie plate (Nana’s deep dish pyrex, I tend to channel her when I get to baking like this). Have the top crust rolled out and ready to go. And so, mix the apple juice concentrate, sugar sub (I used baking Splenda), cornstarch, and cinnamon, whisk that mess up. Dump the apples carefully in the bottom crust and pile them up so they’re nicely mounded. Pour the mess you just whisked over them. Carefully would be my suggestion, if you don’t want to be cleaning it up off of the counter.  Dot with butter (I may or may not have used more than a tablespoon. OK, yea I did. So sue me.)

Cover the whole mess with the top crust. Fork the edges, twist them, flute them, do whatever you want to do to seal them. I did a flute-y  kind of thing. I swear one of these days I’m gonna try doing a braided edge. Could have latticed it but the apples were piled too high; it would have been a mess. Brushed it with milk for gentle browning. 

It looked dreadfully boring and I hate having to eat the leftover crust dipped in sugar, so I did the heart things. Cut out 8 hearts with a tiny heart cookie cutter from the leftover dough, dipped them in milk (dropped them in is more like it, as both sides needed to be coated, one side to stick to the pie, and the other to hold the sugar) Dipped one side in sugar and stuck them on the top crust. Sugar side up. 

Pressed them down a tiny bit so they stuck. Is that not adorable?  Cut 4 slits in the top to let the steam out (visions of apple pie explosion in my oven) and in the oven it goes. 
Bake as directed. Remove from oven. Let cool enough so it doesn’t burn your tongue if you try to eat it. Voila!  Le Apple Pie!

Serve warm with (no sugar added) vanilla ice cream or whipped cream. Or both. Whatever floats your boat. Personally I prefer it with chocolate ice cream. Don’t judge til you’ve tried it. 
The fact that we ate it while watching Stephen King's "Gerald's Game" (it had to be the scene where the dog was eating Gerald, right?) aside, this was not a horrible, no sugar apple pie. In fact, it was quite good, not too sweet, and absolutely no hint of fake sugar. I think the apple juice concentrate helped there quite a lot. Definitely a keeper, and oh hey, I have a ton more apples!


*Credit where credit is due: Recipe from “A Taste of Home”

"Gypsy" ~Fleetwood Mac~“So I’m back to the Velvet Underground
Back to the floor that I love
To a room with some lace and paper flowers
Back to the gypsy that I was
To the gypsy that I was”
~Stevie Nicks~