Thirty-something would be a hell of a time to find out you’re not who you thought you were. It would change everything….yet it would change nothing. I guess that’s just how life rolls out for some people, for one girl…
Who grew up believing she was part of a family, wholly part of a family of
certain descent, who was proud of whom she was, of the heritage, the history.
And then one day for a brief few seconds, the bottom fell out of that world and
she learned that it was not at all true, but only half true. Nothing
changed…aside from losing half a family, a couple of siblings, which in
the end was no great loss. There was no room for that particular negativity or unacceptance in this life. But the loss of half her history, well that was a nagging
little detail. It hit hardest when it came to doctor visits. Is there any of
this in your family, any of that….well, crap. She doesn’t even know now. Nothing major here, just something that will
effect generations forevermore. Move along.
People joke about the skeletons in the closet. God knows she has some, and has
learned to get along with them. But this. How does one dance with this one?
Just a small town girl…..especially when it turns out the whole town probably
knew. Maybe that’s why they call them bedroom communities…she muses.
As time goes on, small things haunt her. The jokes
about “the milkman”, the absolute conviction when she was 13 that she was
adopted, HAD to be adopted, she wasn’t like the rest of them, the rebellious
nature she couldn’t seem to let go of, the godfather she never knew, the
unanswered questions. “There was a falling out”…what does that even mean to a
child who’s looking for answers? The truth always comes out in the end, no
matter who tries to hide it, or how. There is always some little tell, some
little glitch that brings it on. Like when some people know the truth and it
causes them to go a little bit insane with vengeance, threatening to spill it.
Like when some people know the truth and go a little bit insane because the
truth is not the lies they’ve been living. Oh what a tangled web we weave….better
to tell the truth than to try to create an alternate reality of lies upon lies,
bury oneself in them, suffocate under the weight. I suppose there was no really
good time for that girl to find out the truth, not when she was living the lie
so well, despite not knowing it was a lie. But maybe it’s just one more step to
being stronger, being more proud of who she was. Maybe after so long it really didn’t matter
anymore. Maybe her life was her truth,
and having lived it a certain way, maybe nothing else mattered, but to be proud of who
she’d become, independent of anyone or anything else.
Lie awake in bed at nightAnd think about your life
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
'Cause this is just a game
It's a beautiful lie
It's a perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me
It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much, just say
'Cause this is just a game
It's a beautiful lie
It's a perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me
Lie...
Beautiful...
Everyone's looking at me
I'm running around in circles, baby
A quiet desperation's building higher
I've got to remember this is just a game
So beautiful, beautiful...
It's a beautiful lie
(Beautiful, beautiful)
It's a beautiful lie
(Beautiful, beautiful)
It's a beautiful lie
(Beautiful, beautiful)
It's a beautiful lie
It's a perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me
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