Mea Culpa

I have found that there is a saturation point when it comes to hurt. When the scars from all the times past have toughened up to the point where the next attacks, more attacks, because there are always more, just don't matter. Comfortably numb indeed.
It's taken me years to let down my walls, built so carefully from my teen years. You grow up, you maybe, with a little luck, by the grace of God, find the right person and you learn to trust, to maybe love yourself just a little bit, to let others in, let the guard slip. And you never ever, with family history in mind, think the attacks might come from within. Over and over again.

Never assume. History does repeat. There was a time when I could strike back. Now, not so much. I have not the desire nor the energy to fuel this fire. My reality is the truth, the facts. I was never one for delusions. I am not sure what alternate universe you lived in, or how your reality got so twisted. It is what it is. I am sorry that life did not turn out as you planned. I am sorry I was not a more perfect parent - and that I was the only constant one you had. I am sorry your life wasn't perfect, but it was the best I could give you. You don't know that for a long time you were my reason to smile every day, my reason to go on. I am sorry that you seem to forget all the good times, all the times I was there for you, all the times you saved me, and the times I thanked God for you. I could list them, but I won't; I know, deep down, that you know. I  am sorry that you hurt so much, and that you feel the need to lash out at me so often. I'm sorry that we always hurt the ones we love. Perhaps that's why we do, because they love us enough. I am sorry there is no reset, if there was I would turn it all back and redo it all for you. I would do that for you. You never wanted for anything. You were always loved, a love that a mother can have only for her firstborn. The reality is, I cannot fix this, cannot fix you. This breaks my heart. It always has. Every. Damn. Time.
However I will not make the same mistake my mother made before me. I will not let twenty years go by without telling you that I love you. I always did. Whether you believe it or not is your choice. I have been through hell and back with you and without you. It counts for nothing clearly. My life will go on, and I will fill it with the love of those who care enough not to try to destroy me, and  I will be strong as I always am. One day you may be a distant , sometimes painful memory, or you may choose to be part of my life again. Your choice. Regardless, I will always hold you close to my heart, I will hold the precious, precocious little girl that you were, the angry teen that you have been, and the broken, scarred, beautiful woman that you have become, so very close to my heart. Because you are me, you are so much of me. I know you are strong, and you will survive. It's what we do. I don't know how this will turn out, where we will end up. The fact remains we are, always will be, bound by blood. You can't change that, can't erase it, can't forget it. I will treasure the early years. And I will continue to pray for you, and wish you, every year as I always do, all the happiness you deserve and more. Because the fact also remains that all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I only wish that I could make it so.

And you rip it from my hands
And you swear it's all gone
And you rip out all I had
Just to say that you've won

Well now you've won
But I gave you all
I gave you all
I gave you all

I Gave You All